Ski Papyrus Hoodie 

Put this on and strangers will assume you've medaled in something. You haven't, and we won't tell them. Side effects include spontaneous talk of "fresh powder," a limp you can't explain, and an urge to hold a hot chocolate like you survived an avalanche. Scientists (still made up) confirm it improves your après-ski by 300% and your actual skiing by 0%, which is the perfect ratio. Wear it to the lodge, the bar, or the grocery store, where you should stand in the cereal aisle like you're about to drop into a couloir. Warning: may cause sudden high-fives from people named Chad.